As we go about daily life, we spend a great deal of time in what researchers call ‘autopilot mode’. That is, we’re not truly present because our attention is lost in wandering thoughts.
This matters because on autopilot mode we tend to get caught in the same old habits, reactive patterns, and thinking patterns over and over again in loops, even if they are unhelpful, ineffective, or just plain bad for us.
So in this post, I’ll share a simple tool to help break old habits, called a habit releaser. The tool comes from a book called Mindfulness, A Practical Guide to Finding Peace In A Frantic World co-authored by Professor Mark Williams of Oxford University. I love it because it’s powerful, easy to deploy and it unlocks more enjoyment and spice in life.
Breaking the habit of autopilot mode
Happiness research conducted by Harvard Psychologists Matt Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert, revealed that most people spend almost half of the day (47.9%) on autopilot – lost in thinking about something else other than what we are actually doing. Unfortunately, this mind-wandering was found to be the main root cause of unhappiness for people.
The challenge with being on autopilot mode a lot is that we tend to l live out of habit and reactivity instead of living deliberately. Importantly, we also just go through the motions only half here and we miss out on being fully present for moments, for our loved ones, for our lives. So life can start to feel quite dull. We keep playing out the same mental, emotional, and behavioural patterns even if they may not be good for us or helpful. Addictions, bad habits, boring routines, and unhelpful mental emotional patterns – all of these can be explained by a habit of autopilot living.
Much of our automaticity is shown in the fact that we tend to do the same thing day in and day out, in the same way. You know, we sit in the same seat at the dining table, we go the same route to work, we do the same thing when we wake up (for many of us it’s grabbing the phone) and we use the same coffee cup. We go to a lot of the same places and do the same things.
How a habit releaser can help
So the idea of a habit releaser is, you’re going to begin to deliberately break the chain of habitual things that you do each day. In doing that, you’ll be bringing more awareness to them. Which in turn interrupts the habit of just playing out the usual patterns – whether they be mental, emotional, or behavioural.
For example, you might choose to sit in a different chair at the table or in the living room, or on the train or bus. Or sleep on the other side of the bed at night. Take a different route to work. Go to a different place for lunch.
It might mean doing something different when you first wake up. If you usually grab a coffee or your iPhone, try walking outside or just waiting 10 minutes before doing that thing.
Other habit releasers you can try are:
If you really want to get creative, you can interrupt thinking patterns by simply just noticing when you’re thinking the same kind of things you always think. And instead, just being playful and trying a different way of seeing things or thinking.
Brushing your teeth with a different hand.
Walking or driving a different way to work.
If you find yourself lost in your thoughts during the day, try physically stopping and looking around you at your surroundings – taking a deep breath before proceeding.
You could try a food or a restaurant you’ve never tried before.
I feel. I need. I will. A 3-step process for listening to your emotions
When we are in the throes of a painful or difficult emotion we need a simple, practical and quick method to diffuse unhelpful responses and help us deal with the emotions in a more empowering and skillful way.
When you feel a difficult emotion, You’re going to finish three sentences (you can do this practice out loud, mentally or with a pen and paper. Whichever works best for you).
First one is “I feel…”
Second one is “I need…”
And third is “I will….”
Step 1. I feel
“I feel” is where you name the emotion – a simple way of acknowledging it (instead of struggling with it or suppressing it). So here for instance, you might say to yourself, “I feel sadness.” Acknowledging the emotion helps us to unhook from it and get a little bit of mental space. Research shows that mentally naming an emotion in this way can reduce the intensity of an emotion by as much as 50%.
Step 2. I need
“I need” – here you explore what a potential unmet need might be in this moment.
So if the emotion was loneliness for instance. Maybe as you consider why you are lonely, you realise you have not got enough quality time with loved ones in your life. Maybe you would say to yourself, “I need some more connection in my life.”
To give another example, if you are feeling guilt. You may consider why you feel that way and reflect and realise that it’s because you had an argument with someone and you said something you wish you hadn’t. So, you might say to yourself, “I need to make amends.”
Or maybe you feel anger because your boss gave you extra work to do when you’re already overloaded. You might say to yourself, “I need to speak up and put better boundaries in place with my boss so I don’t get burnt out.”
Step 3. I will
“I will” gets you thinking about an action step you can take to help yourself get your needs met.
So in the aforementioned case of feeling lonely and needing more connection, in this step you might say to yourself, “I will call my friends tonight and ask them over for dinner.”
In the case of regret and the need to make amends, you might say to yourself here, “I will go to this person tomorrow, apologise and aim to communicate better from now on.”
And in the case of the anger and the need to put better boundaries in place, in this step you may say something like, “I will say no to my boss the next time she asks me to do more than I can realistically handle and explain to her that I don’t wish to work overtime as it is causing me stress.”
Your mental strength practice for this week
For the next week ahead see if you can give this practice a try a couple of times and see how it feels for you. The next time you feel a difficult emotion, use the three steps “I feel, I need, I will.”
When we listen to and respond to our emotions like this, they not only are regulated and expressed in a more healthy way, but they can also become our teachers and guides. We can use them to help us get clear on how to meet our own needs, follow our values and live in ways that help us stay happy, healthy and strong.
As always, thank you for your practice and your presence here.
